Why are straight folk so fascinated with Gay sex? Today’s rant..my relationship is oh so much more than just sex.

Too often, I am appalled and angered by how the anti-gay crowd sexualizes gay marriage and gay relationships. I mean, you and I and everyone else can agree that many if not most relationships have a sexual component to them. This goes for whether you are straight or gay, right? So, why does the straight crowd only see the sexual aspect of our relationship? I will use my wife and I’s relationship as an example. Yes, we are married, and yes, we called ourselves partners for many years. A common nickname for her was and is “lover”, but that is not all she is to me. Our relationship is not about sex, it is about us, sex is an expression of us and of our love for each other. Sounds easy, yes?

So, instead of getting mad, I decided to think a bit on why straight people are so fascinated and upset  about gay people wanting to have relationships and get married, after all, we hear them all say “I don’t care what you do in private, just don’t advertise it.”  Ok, they are marginalizing our relationship to sex again.

Here is what I came up with. Are you ready for the big reveal?

Sex. Sex in American culture is not a simple thing, It is a multi-layered mess of guilt, excitement, forbidden pleasure, fear, duty and determiner of destiny for straight folks. Confused? Let me explain.

Ok, so as a teen you start to get urges…your parents say don’t do that now…you should be married. Ok, now, like drugs, sex is forbidden, fun and exciting and laden with guilt and fear. What if mom/dad finds out? What if I get a disease? What if she gets pregnant? Etc. etc. Now culture has a few rules to reinforce those rules, you risk being ostracized, labeled, marginalized and in some places-demonized. A woman has it worse, labelled a harlot, a whore, or worse-her personal honor is lost forever and she is no longer worthy of the vaunted goal in life “Marriage.”

Fast forward to adulthood, you are now encouraged to pair off. For men, they don’t have to worry about getting the girl pregnant, for the girl, they are ever watched by their peers…all holding their breath, waiting for the big announcement-because obviously if you are married it is now time to produce children. If it doesn’t happen, society now looks at you oddly. Don’t you want children? What’s wrong with you? The woman feels less than a woman, because she is having sex like crazy in order to have a baby and nothing is happening. Sure, the husband is getting more sex, but it isn’t about pleasure now is it? He is now a sperm bank, nothing more. Again, guilt rides them both, as well as societal pressure.

Now, I know there is so much more to this lovely little stew that straight people have gotten themselves into, I am generalizing things to make a point.  I do realize that many have escaped the clutches of societal pressure, but it is still there, waiting and watching. Subtle and hidden in questions and queries, ever present in the media, in church, and in other people’s eyes. I have to admit, after thinking about this, I am actually sorry for those who have fallen into the quagmire of societal demands, because they have lost the ability to have sex without a dozen other things joining them in bed.

So, back to why it irritates them so about gay people, and why our relationships are sexualized. Here it is. Look above this sentence and tell me how much about straight sex isn’t even about sex itself?  Gay people can have sex, without consequence and outside of the pressures of society.  You see, we have sex because we enjoy it, not because we are doing something forbidden, something to punish our parents, or to keep a boy by getting pregnant. There is nothing to tangle us up in other bits and pieces of some convoluted puzzle, unless we create it ourselves. There is no joyless sex to create a child, or the underlying fear crouching in the pit of someone’s stomach that the condom might rip. There is no gentle smile and understanding look that still judges you if you are together for five years and are still childless. I have endless examples of how society sits and judge’s straight couples, how they keep loving couples in a pressure cooker of expectations. Follow the standard recipe, or else! I am sure you have plenty of examples as well, leading to unhappy marriages and sometimes divorce.

I am purposefully ignoring the STD issue right now, because unfortunately it is a global issue none of us can ignore. I am, instead, focusing on what currents flow beneath relationships and affect their happiness. As a gay woman, I don’t go to bed with my wife worrying if I won’t/can’t get pregnant…nor will she wonder if there is something wrong with her that she can’t get me pregnant. Or, if finances are an issue…worry about how they are going to feed another mouth because she might get pregnant.

The pressure must be horrible.

Which leaves me to my conclusion…could it be that our relationships are marginalized and reduced to sexual behavior because we don’t have all this crap to deal with? If roles were reversed, would you not resent or be jealous of those who could freely act out sexually without having to worry about all of these culturally imbedded expectations?

I truly think that is why the religious right has focused so squarely on sex for procreation. It is their last wall, their last bastion against accepting gay marriage. They say that God is only good with marriages that will produce children…how horrible this is to think this way. What a joyless reason to engage in sex. I feel bad for these folk. I know that sex is an extension of the closeness I have with my wife, a way to show her how I feel by making her feel good. There is no ulterior motive or grand plan. It is simple and beautiful and done with nothing but pleasure in mind for both of us. Perhaps this is the greatest insult to the religious right…that we can do this without worrying about all those other things. We are cultural anarchists, all of us, because we move outside the restrictions of those who despise us.  We are free to express ourselves, and because we can do this, we are labeled hedonists, driven by our need to have sex. Yet, it is not that.

We are all programmed to enjoy sex and seek it out, it’s just that some of us don’t have the societal baggage that other’s do. Evidently, without that baggage, it doesn’t qualify as a valid relationship.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: